hello love

hello love?
is that you?
all dressed up
is that you?
With perfumes on
With brand new shoes
Hiding behind the crowd
Wearing a brand new face


Cloaked by fun stories
And laughs and jokes

is it really you,again?
are you really here?
Here to
Take up my time
and swallow up my heart
Here to spin me around
to lock me in a fog
here to throw away the key?

Say it isn’t true
Say you’ll go find somebody new
Say you’ve had enough of me
And that there isn’t enough left
To bother with
That im limp and all used up
that my youthful
naivety is all gone now too
hardened
little by little
With every visit
That all that soft underbelly
you came looking for
Has turned to stone
its solid polished jade
Heavy and cumbersome
Hanging from my gut
Say its not worth it

Tell me you’re just passing through
Tell me you wont stay the night
Tell me you’ll spare me and
That it’s the girl next door
You were really looking for
Wrong address that’s all
What a blunder
Just a close call
No worries
Go back to bed
Tell me it’s just
A prank call, a joke
Just for a laugh
Don’t tell me that I secretly want it.
Dot tell me I was looking for you
Don’t tell me ive missed you
Don't tell me you saw me smile a little
while i was out there calling out
Hello love?
Is that really you again?

yesterdays promises of tomorrows

with every new master,
with every new prey
You are left missing the one's you have yet to know
the names that never reached your mouth,
names never said out loud
all those smells you'll never get to hold

(pause)
days, weeks,months (we paused that long)
(we pause)it felt like...(pause)forever
like time had gotten so lazy
it deliberately dragged its feet
like time couldnt be asked to get on with it
like time didnt care that
it felt like forever

I tried in vain
to inhale all i could
every trace
trying to hold onto that slippery
sentence,
those words that once felt so strong
they almost convinced us that they existed
I wanted to own all those words
I wanted them to be mine
those lawless words
that wringed us out
those words
now left out to dry


they were in
the weight of your flesh
in your bones
they were neatly stacked
behind the corners of my heart
and now
they lie among fallen leaves
they lie among the paperhearts
they lie around getting brittle by the daylight
wearing thin with age
they lie around wherever it was
we left
those promises
of tomorrows

handsomehands spider hands

Your hands,my hands
Sewn wrist to wrist
With no need for arms
We dance like handshakes

yours to hold

If ever there was
a time when I needed
your hands
It would be now that I know
It would never do
And that there isn’t enough of you
to keep all of me
from slipping through
your arms

I am an ocean of regret and damns of forgiveness
no longer yours
To hold

haik-you

You make it seem so
real that I worry about
the fall from this height

quiet clean

We are deep in warm bathwater
Listening to our ears drum calm into chaos
You braid our hair ,now entangled wet
into flapping fishtails
I ask questions
just to hear your voice
swim over to meet mine

hot air balloon

i am bright and impractical
held together by ribbon bows

with open pout
i blow winds,
warm from circling the suns that light my way back home

I am swollen belly and weighted feet
heavy with promise and thick skinned from letting go


i am swaying and wishing
this length of time could be long enough
to rope all those days when we were
close
when forever didn't seem long enough

I am swollen belly and weighted feet
waiting for my last ribbons release

oceans at your feet

had i not imagined it
thought about
dreamt of
bent fingers,
cupped hands
left hand soft againt right
holding a puddle
holding an ocean
it would be perhaps
as simple as
pressing my mouth to your wrist
leaning my head back
it would be perhaps that simple

but i want it so badly
that i wait
until i see you walk away with
oceans at your feet
walking through all of it
with fingertips
with eyes
like open salty taps

between the bars

You were the rain
like a hush
pulling my eyes to lower
and my yawns a flutter
You're voice.
still at my breast slammed against my ribs
like a caged animal
throwing itself towards the open spaces between
the bars
It was hard to know
if you wanted in.
or out.
i was always there
you were
everywhere

love birds

we have love covered
from toe to throat
in feathers, rags and braided hair
wrapped in everything our fingers reached
as fat as over ripe fruit
bursting at the seams with the weight of the words
between us


we skin vows to wear as armour
and stride with peacock pride
along the eges of our quiet nest
no longer afraid
of falling prey
to one anothers majesty

cloud piece

Imagine the clouds dripping.
Dig a hole in your garden to
put them in.
1963 spring
-yoko ono

paper tiger

You're every page on my desk
every long punishing sentence
I play the passing thought
fitting myself in between "feed the dog"
and "world events"

a typo
in your on goings
a giant spoon
stirring a scripted text
a hiccup
in your day to day

You are
every book on the shelf
ya pretty much every thing ever written
the smooth of the leather in my hand
the letters in my hand
the chalky paper on dry skin

you're even the breeze
offered by page
meeting page
meeting page

You are the cross on every T
the dot on i's
the tail on g's
the arc on e's
and the roll in r's

I speak your verbs like songs by heart
lips curled round your nouns
dancing to the beat of your similes
tapping my feet to metaphors
swooning for your adjectives

you keep this up
keep my interest
it even starts to feel
like years sqeezed into the hands of minutes
mi-nute min-ute hands

time and time
again
I stop to lie
in blankets sewn edge to edge
with the words you left behind

Nights pass
forever,still here
but i am still
wide awake
tossing and turning syllables like stones
hoping they might have been left for me


here i wait
speechless and jaw to the floor hungry
for your mouth

hmm..

who's voice is echoing inside my belly
why is it leaning against the wall
like a cool kid butting out a smoke
why is it here at all
intimidating me with its swagger
and laissez faire flare

I wish now that my belly had sunglasses
..so it could
slyly look away
and pretend to not give a care

You should be like the air around me
or not at all
its no use having you
so far away
opening and closing doors that im on neither side of

instead it would be nice
if you were reading or drawing or singing in the kitchen

instead it would be nice
if you hadn't made me love you at all

Because then I'd be out with my girlfriends
leaning against walls
handling cocktails
and trying not to get kissed too soon

Not like now
in bed by 10,
smoking weed
eating popcorn
listening to cbc
and not thinking about you at all..
not even once.
no.

tear sheet

Because you are all I need
Because I would be willing to compile
All my hours all my days
Fold them up in a box with your name
Neatly engraved on the lid

Because I give it all away
In the hopes that you’ll share it with me
Because its mine to give

I have turned this past year
a whitish pulp
of milky blankness
Flattened by my own
Lonesome hours

I have turned this past year
a blanket of nothing
muffling the memories
of everything else
that ever was
before there was you


I cannot hear the sound of
Any voice but yours
I cannot speak of any name but yours

I will lie in store a few days more
Awaiting your touch
To crumple, crease or cut
Or sweat into rivets
a few more drops of your self

Maybe in a little while
Once night has finished falling
You’ll arrange the words you plucked from trees
upon my unmarked skin
Those lovely words
seeped in sun kissed sap

That way you say
I'll know of your days and night

You’ll speak deliberately in long winded prose
I'll let you Lullaby me further
and further
To love

There are times

when your skin and my skin
are so close its like they
want to breath together

from time to time
we succumb
to these moments of short sighted melding
of apparent company
of togetherness...

this makes
the reality of imminent solitude
that much harder to live inside of

until at last the day comes
when our arms tell of far off
places
while we exhale every pore
and stand, out of breath,
exhausted and weary from the possibility
of ever more
ever mores


I have walked hand in hand
in hand in hand
in soft hand in upper hand in rough hand
in backhand,left hand, right hand
in warm hand and in off hand
along side men
men who's names escape me now
men
who's bodies once felt like my own
My own heavy burden of redeeming qualities
My shell of depreciating antiquity

I have walked along side such men
wishing you were real enough to stop
the senseless
search of bus stops and restaurants
the exploration every strangers gaze
in the hopes of one day meeting yours

first short story for creative writing class

I had to write a short story with two random sentences as my inspiration

1.An independent woman who has dedicated her life to helping others in any way she can.
2. A Polish man runs down the street, pauses while a stranger pees on him,and resumes his run screaming.

Here is what I wrote:



“It was god’s will”
That’s always how Olga liked to think about it.
If he didn’t want me to dedicate my life to helping others then he wouldn’t have made me so compassionate.
But still there lingered in her a feeling that her selflessness was beginning to take on an air of self-righteousness. She resented the feeling of pride she felt after every good deed and worried that it took away from the deed itself.
Lately she had become consumed with self-doubt wondering why she felt it her duty to help everyone around her.
Where these acts of generosity as genuine as she intended them to be or was she using these people’s misfortunes to avoid herself?
Most nights she would lie awake trying to persuade god to talk to her.
She felt herself wanting god to reveal his worries and anxieties.
She wanted to tell god to pull up a chair and rest his feet on the coffee table.
Was it in her power to console god?
Was it sacrilegious to even think about such thoughts?
She felt ashamed at thinking herself Grande enough to be able to help the being who created her and the very reality she existed in; but she couldn’t help herself.
She would spend hours thinking up intimate conversation between herself and god.
She personified god.
Every night he looked different, one nigh he was Morgan Freeman and the next he was Che Guevara and once he even appeared as Butterface, her childhood cat.

In these conversations they would discuss any and everything under the great moon god himself created.
Anything from the mess people had made in various countries to simpler matters like her neighbor Tommy’s gambling habit.
Olga felt a great deal of satisfaction imagining herself being god’s confidante, his right-hand man or maybe even like in the godfather, his consigliery?

But the joy she felt during the hours of fantasy only made reality that much more unbearable. She wondered if it angered god to watch her fantasize about him. She felt sick at the thought of him laughing at her childish inventions and felt embarrassed at having the gull to even dream up her grand important role.

I am to be his servant, not his best friend, not his confidant, not his buddy.
She would repeat these things to herself when she would catch herself ringing in the same item over and over again at her job in the supermarket.
The job itself was so repetitive and mindless that it gave her plenty of time to daydream and think about the conversations of the previous evening.
That is until the lady in curlers buying the diapers would snap at her “ hey wake up you’ve scanned that item 4 times already..can’t you hear the beeping?’..or when one of her many ranking managers would walk by and tell her they believed in her and knew she had it in her to work even faster.

Olga thought the managers walked around feeling important in their white shirts.
That’s how you knew they were managers. The managers wore the white collared shirts, the cashiers ,blue collars, and it seemed the irony in only making a couple of dollars more an hour was lost on them.

But that wasn’t what was bothering her on that particular afternoon.
On that particular afternoon she was consumed with what had happened that morning,.
That morning on her first fifteen minute break from work she had attempted to go next door to the bagel shop and have a quick breakfast.
She had spent the night tossing and turning ignoring god’s attempts at conversation.
Waking up tired, she pressed snooze one too many times on the alarm clock and hadn’t had time for her usual breakfast of hardboiled eggs and granola.

God had come to her the night before resembling Keanu Reeves, an actor she didn’t especially care for; in fact she had found his last movie mildly annoying and had decided to no longer rent his movies as she found him to be as she called it “not terribly good at his job.”

So on that particular morning consumed with thoughts of having been rude to god the night before, possibly even having shushed him she sat at the table eating her cream cheesed bagel staring out the window onto the street.
Distracted by her own personal dilemma, Olga did not notice the old polish man from her neighborhood running down the street, who paused while a stranger peed on him and then resumed his run screaming.
It was out of self involvement with thought of being affected by god’s appearance that Olga, not notice the help needed right outside the window.

A few moments later looking at her wrist watch, she realized the scenario that had occurred.She thought about running after him.
But by that time her break was up.

change clothes

Wear me high on your sleeve
Tuck me into your jeans
Button me to your lapel
And let me hang on your collar
So that I may
get a chance to
see it
the way you see it
and get a better look
at your point
of view
because I really do want to come around
to seeing all the loveliness
you mentioned the other day

read me like a picture book

If I told you that ever since that time we met
I had to concentrate
On not to repeating your name
(Your name)
Over and over
And over in my head
(your name)
In different fonts
In various accents
(your name)
Over and over in my head

And if I told you
I felt myself begin to miss you
Before you even walked away?

If
I told you that much
Would you play fair is fair and
admit
how much you enjoyed
hearing it?

admit
the satisfaction
of knowing
the affect you had
on me?


Id look to see if
You could preserve
enough modesty
To keep on wanting me
Inspite of
Premature confessions
And forgive the possibility
Of an axe
to the last leg of
our chasing
Courtship


if you do me this
favor
then I will try and
restrain my usual
habit
of
Turning every single man
Into the same molded clay

Of every man ive ever tried to love
Of every man I ve ever lay dreaming of



Step by step
An early apology for things I may do in the future.
(inspired by Akon)

Trading in all the lovely words for
personal memories
securing your hand as
My liberty
taking all our inside
jokes to keep
on my mantle piece
gathering up all your love
As my keepsake souvenir

Then.
There the possibility
Of hording all your affection
to turn into kitsch
Or maybe hogging all your devotion
as badge I can stitch

I‘ll catch myself
Pursuing your gaze with
Increased determination
I’ll just go ahead
and take it all
for my own
Greedy salvation


I’d even go so far
As to keep you in my pocket

And
You may also be surprised
To find that
even after we tally up
the scores
to reveal my guaranteed victory
finding that im still standing there
with ever more gluttony

These habits
I cant exactly be proud of
But I still sheepishly
Wonder if
Confessions can somehow
Outweigh the crime?

So now with the decks
On the table
Laid out in a row
I find myself
bold enough
to brazenly declare
my love

that
Everything you hear is actually
True

I do
I do indeed
collect…
the likes of you

You do it for the fans

Im taking a creative writing course.
I am now warning all my fans...yes all 3 of you..that its about to get creative.

left..............for the right

I want to eat all the words between us
To fill the void you nudged yourself
into and widened with your absence

our stories never told

my love for you
a giant
with hands the size of sky's

in massive boots
you walk my thoughts
and leave behind footprints
deep as oceans

i write a thousand stories
starring you,starring me,on horseback across deserts
in large quilted beds
on the edge of the canyons you stomp out for us
or falling out of gods hands
into piles of autumn leaves

In these stories..
you love me grand
we rush
through everything
we dance out of highs

On horseback,covered in leaves wrapped in quilts
resting against massive thumbs
we nod along the melody of time passing
and smile at long steady winds


we are whirlwinds.
hurrying.
frantic.
throughout our rapture
but still
take that minute more
to fall

into
love's
wide open mouth

observation of self

with a heart forever broken
I assign different men
the privilege of blame

i choose you

for what its worth
its you i think of
when the light turns

its you i will to dreams
to play in sequence
the last times that you were
close enough to touch

i remember knowing
i would have you to miss
grateful now
for the memory of each and every
kiss

Its nice to think
to think of you in sheets
that hold your smell
while i lay around
thinking of your hands

but still
no matter the magic
no matter the truth
i cant help but wonder
if this truth
lives in my head alone


i see now
my love forever fleeting
always knowing
this too shall pass
pretending not to notice
that you've seen as many ends as beginnings
accepting that without end there can be no beginning
no beginning
to delude you to fall
again

So even when faced with the same streets
in different hands
the same words conveying
all new
familiar feelings
I would rather still believe


I choose a god who is doomed to fail

with open eyes and empty palms
i choose
without hesitation of the hurt
knowing full well of the high
anticipating the crash


For what its worth
I chose love
today and tomorrow
i write you letters
you will never read
but will someday know
by heart

the sound of waiting

wouldn't it have been better if we hadn't ever spoken
never had to hear
or ever had to say
or ever had to listen

to
never have been sure
to
have
gone on pretending
that the longing
that lovely wanting
in us
through and through
would, could and should
ever be remedied
by the simple
sound
of
i
love
you

because now that its
been spoken
once
twice
maybe even
a third time

spoken in
all different voices
maybe even
in different countries
different tongues
uttered from various mouths
with various facial hair


now that the wait
for the once perfect uttering
of those once perfect words
a set of perfect letters
strung together to
form that perfect sentence

now that you've heard them said
like you've hear it be said
that it calls for rain this weekend
or that it has been an exceptionally warm autumn

or any other words muttered in a straight line
any other passing thought
what could possibly ever hold as much mystery

what words could ever have as much weight

could ever mean
to us again

could have
as sweet a wait
as the mouth from
which it is spoken

a girl i dont know wrote nice things about me

here you can view her blog 2 days in the rain

montreal

i have to love you.
you leave me no choice
but to embrace
the memory
of the last times i saw you.
and to spend
every moment
from now until forever
making much too many
to ever
even dream
of leaving you again

i read this today

"there are two types of people."

" Those who 'love to have' and those who 'have to love' "

a change of scenery

The promise of tomorrows
on greener grass.
Across this land
Away from this feel good
Pillow bed with love at my fingertips

I carry a map with every inch
of this playground
carved inside my very skull
I know you. surprise turn
I know the cracks in your road

I know your stories
Ive heard your rhythms
I speak your words
I breathe in your fresh breath
And sing your praises with my exhales
I have climbed your peaks
And swam in your frozen streams
I am those very roots beneath my feet

I am them and
feel the tug of loveless ties
Holding me in sweet complacency

And with every step I pursue
I am held even more
Firmly at my post.
Asleep in the magic of serenity

Silently struggling for the chaos of
Those unknown
And ordinary days

hedonism

(hēd'n-ĭz'əm)

1. Pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, especially to the pleasures of the senses.
2. Philosophy The ethical doctrine holding that only what is pleasant or has pleasant consequences is intrinsically good.
3. Psychology The doctrine holding that behavior is motivated by the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

noun
1. the pursuit of pleasure as a matter of ethical principle
2. an ethical system that evaluates the pursuit of pleasure as the highest good

A little bit more

If it’s desperate I am
Then its desperate I be

Because s moment with your kiss
Is what the need may be

For its in these lonesome hours that
Your skin seems so prevalent
And its when it rains out
when i think your voice,heaven sent

And as much as its pains me to say it
its true

I’d very much rather be all wrapped up in
Your nothingness
then cooped up in my own everythings

I’d like to be held up afloat over you
Clinging to the sounds of your sighs
Instead of on this linoleum cataloging
yesterdays "why oh.. why's"


But why?
why can’t it already be
Tomorrow
and the tomorrow after tomorrow
where we sit
Under a plum tree
And you rehearse those day dream memories
or in a café where we drink too much
Coffee
till we laugh all jittery
Can't it be
over the moon
And under sea
Can't it be
everywhere
Or anywhere
You and I
just are


Because
That right there is where I left my
Security
That’s the very spot I set down my pride
my self restrain
and even some pretty petty vanity

oh ya that's where they all are

gift wrapped
and waiting
At your door


Hoping it would be enough
Incentive to have you
give a little more

But by now we can both see
That I give up much too much
For a wink and a smile
And that for that little bit of love
Id even be willing to wait a while…

i do hope you excuse me for being so eager
its just this heart of mine is getting ever meager

so please go ahead
and tell me how it is
Yes..do go ahead and
show me to the door
else I may become tempted

to "GRANDLY DEMAND"..
you
give me that little bit more

a miss

My collection is a little a miss
Since you’ve come along
I can’t seem to just give a kiss
to any ol stranger who sings the right song

Its like I think of you so much
that I can’t even think of their touch

I concentrate on some mundane thing you whispered to me
Before I even have a chance to contemplate their…umm symmetry

I forget how to bat my lashes for a little attention
And instead think of every dumb little thing you mention

So… I start to lose myself in your gaze
which can become something of.. a worry
Since every time that’s happened before
they just happen to go ahead and scurry

But here I am once again
Laying in pieces and sections
Letting my minds time be taken by your
Tiny dealings of calculated affections

And here I am hooked once again believing
In All the old lines
Looking for some hidden meaning
Actually looking for subtle signs

The longer you withhold the love
The sweeter the outcome to be
But the risk involved may also become
That thirsts unquenched leave me looking to sea


Here I am once again hungry for more
Knowing full well of what is to be in store

Call me a gluten
Call me a love seeker
Just make sure to call me mister
Or may become even meeker

But there is still one thing
That seems to me a miss
One thing that isn’t solved by
Your tender healing kiss


If It is my strength and prowess
You find so intriguing
Then does it seem like breaking it
Down is what you are really seeking?

frown upside down

my quiet poesie
my true as true can be
about you
about me

why then is this heavy anvil
of indulgent self pity pulling
pulling it away from me

locked up locked in
with this open heart
looking here and there
to make that teeny tiny start

I hold still to this melancholy
wishing for a little shake
not a droned bosom buddy

i am now
willing you at my fingertips
afloat a top my bursting head

but you are still
tucked away behind the achy parts
digging away to make your mark

here is a chance to make it sing
a chance a chance to make you dance

a chance for dare i say.
dare i say romance

so let me not dream away these magic hours

affixed comfortably in my dismay
while outside the sun shines away
and hours of love sit right beside me
come by and make me..make me finally say

that i do indeed feign interest in lonesome hours
and make up the ailments for my lull
and always leave till tomorrow
the actual picking of flowers

and schedule today for the grieving of nothing
in particular

sorry will never do
chagrin not quite satisfied
lets
just cut
these ties to boredom's beauty
and share with me
share with me
again

just this once

Upon the invitation of your sighs
I am awaiting a moment still
Where the truth of your eyes
meets the fear of mine

it is in this vulnerable state
that it comes to be

this is where you see me
as I am
And see here i see you all the more

Im hoping you
Find it all too real to be a burden
And find it even lovelier still
Despite its beveled edge
Perhaps even for
its keyless open door

I am in this mornings after glow
worried you might notice
The effect your affection
Is having on my smile

i hold on a little longer
Attempting to save face
Just in case
You want to hurt me a little

Just in case you aren’t aware
That I have already had my share
that this
isn't THAT kind of love affair


Just a little love
this time will do
just a little
hand holding afternoon
A few kisses from here
And a few more to there

please please
and thank you
Just
this once
will
do

rain in 99

Here is a poem i wrote in 1999.


Dripping past the last puddle
left astray to shrink in the sun

these are the nightmares i would have to endure
if i had been born a raindrop

ripped from the womb
only to land in a discarded wipe
of a fleshy cheek
Damned to spend my life absorbed by porous skin

I would have hope
i would be
Constantly dreaming and praying for the dark
The dark toxins to attack my pillowy cloud
and render me an acid monster
ready to fall and sizzle through any matter i chose to destroy

Always fearful,
all the power of the running citizens would be mine
known better by my new alias, Acid Raindrop
the nightmare would end
For i would have finally arrived
Mighty wet.

on you

You make me want to brush my teeth for an extra minute
Your smell
or lack there of
makes me want to put on lip gloss.
Every word that comes out of my mouth seems like its tumbling
and every time I try and make sense to you I feel like im blushing uncontrollably.
I have a crush on you

You make my stomach feel like its going to be sick at the sight of you’
Your voice makes all the blood rush to my face

Im afraid of saying words in case they come out sounding like
“Oh blah bkzho blah blah…yes yes…sure whatever just take off my top”

I think about your hands and how I want them on my hands
I worry about having food in my teeth
I can’t even think about raising my fork incase I miss my mouth


You make me smile like an idiot

I have a crush on you

This is agony

I have a crush on you

I feel like a dummy

I have a crush on you

Kiss me so we can be done with
This hanging tension
Call me too much
So I can get over your mystery

Tell me some dumb stories so I can tune them out

Unbutton my dress
So I can lift it up

i gotta get over it....

i got a crush on you

sail away

Lets go ahead and make up a past
A past where we fell in love
With a glance
Where we could have
Runaway together
Where we could have had a chance
Or at the very least shared a dance

A past
Where when you asked me to stay
And I said I had to go
You held my hand to let me know
That this was it
This was that
Precious moment
You, the dark stranger
I , always imagined it so
That I should spend the night
With the drummer of this or that band
That I should swallow my pride and be
The groupie for a night

If I had been a bit more dramatic
And a little less romantic
I would have left too soon to let
The flow of wonder from creeping into my thoughts

But I am as I am
And I do as I do
And running away with you
Is all I ever wanted to do

I loved that you asked me for a kiss
The moment walked to the door

The second before
we never saw each other again.

your lips felt like
every kiss I ever
thought I wanted
you felt like youth
and smelled like far away

You are on your way like every..everyday.
To this place or that
To this or that land

Thinking of me on planes and trains
Thinking of me now and again

I like to imagine you
Thinking
Of what will never be.
or what never was


I like to think of us thinking
of
One another
Simply Because
Because
thinking is
All we have ever had between us

Some say romantic notions
Are romantic when unfulfilled

And then there are those who say…
Come take me away

more and more

Oh the anticipation of it all
Hearing your voice over the phone
Knowing that when tomorrow comes
Each nervous word will be replaced by…

More and more

Your lips pressed against
My lips
Pressed against
My skin
Pressed against your.. everything

I can’t wait
But I do
Pretending to do it
patiently
I sit
I day dream
Wrack my brain thinking
Of some other
More pressing topic..
Some other place my thoughts
Could be

But oh its
Still the

more and more
and
Pressed againsts
And the…
Oh I can’t hardly wait

But I still do

Pretending to,

do it patiently

I mean

im here waiting patiently

it rained today

Melancholy you return to me.
oh welcome back,my little hurt
Lying around these distant days
Feeling fashionable
decadent in this quiet sad.
Like a gift to myself, these lonesome hours
I tell myself that I want it this way
Wouldn’t let go of the lump in my throat even if I could
Choosing instead to wear it in the evenings

My accessory, my truth my antique broach

Convinced that tears thicken my skin
And that smiles will only deepen these false laugh lines

This feeling i could rely on
I could expect it every time I needed it
Like I thought I wanted it.
Even went so far as to look forward to it

Because it was always there,
I could always count on its return.
Everything else was
so temporary,
so changing
at the mercy of unpredictable events.
but with this i knew
that every year I was there for it
as it was there for me.

Because winter’s suit fits me like a glove.
and Holds me like I need it to


it’s comforting
to know I can still feel this way
To know
my waters run deeper then the pools
I chose to wade in

but...
I now fear my love
my love for sad is a love that may be fleeting
Because although this pale skin is
quite becoming
And that I could
get used to this milky hue


I am certain now
That I would
shed every flake
For one morning in your warmth

in sleep

In sleep I am yours
Yours to kiss
Yours to hold
I lay there
waiting

for your slumber head to
start your nightly songs

In sleep you lose
That little veil
That keeps you

Keeps your mouth from saying all the words
My ears long to hear

it is in sleep that you let go
Spill the beans and let me know

So i hold on just long enough
to hear you let it slip..
I heard you let it slip
just beneath the covers
I caught my breath in time to hear you say…
I heard you say…
You liked me back

You like me back
In pillow talk
On these happy sheets

You like me back

oh it so sweet
oh its so pure

Lets be life long friends
Let keep on kissing till morning

Lets go ahead
and think about
one another

From time
To time

the you i dream about

Do you wonder if I wonder about you.
If I sit and drink tea and think about your smile
Or tell my girlfriends the funny
Little thing you said the other day
And then say oh well
It must have just been the way he said it.
If I fix my hair for 10 extra minutes
If I think I might be seeing you
Or actually wash it when I hate to
Because I might end up standing too close to you
the way I always try to.
because I want you to think
that I smell like strawberries everyday.
because that’s the memory I want to be to you
A memory because
Because I know we could never be

We could never own a gallery with high ceilings
Where we make love in the evenings
I could never read the paper in bed with you
While you pretended to be asleep
We could never just sit together quietly
We could never be
Because we would have
been by now
And the you I want
The you dream about
would never let me wonder for so long

mimes in lust

You are silence
I am prring like your cat
I regret telling you I hate cats
Because now you keep trying
To make me
Like yours

I wonder if
I will soon enough be wishing
That I hadn’t said
As much as I had
And wonder if I possibly took
So long telling you
So much about me
That I may not actually know
Very much about you

I may have made you up
To be the kind of guy who suggests
We get to know one another without words

Quietly
We held hands
You kissed my breasts
And I thought about whether or not I could love you
All Without ever looking into your eyes.

waiting

You, are sweet anticipation.
I, am
holding your breath and waiting for you kiss
Catching myself on every syllable that floats from your lips

To pop pop overhead
.. and be carried away by your breath.
Speak to me with your loveliness
and let me dream of your skin
Against my skin.
You are sweet anticipation
Hanging
Overhead

like a starry night I love to watch
and wish to wrap around me.

until i win you over

I like to pretend that
What I search for is so natural
So normal
That’s its around every corner
Like its some kind of birthright

I somehow started to believe that at some point
I will inherit this kind of happiness

I will win a lover who is polite
Who loves to laugh
Who challenges me and respects me
Who helps me but also makes me see my own strengths
Who tell me about things ive never heard of and who listens and learns from
my experiences.

I want to talk to you like every
Every day
I want your body on top of mine to feel like a second skin
I want your smell to drive me crazy
I want to fall for you and I want you to fall for me
I want us to keep on falling
Keep on falling till we forget who’s up
Forget who’s down
And just hold hands tumbling
Till we hit the floor
(Laughing )

I want you to tell me im the sweetest thing
In your life
I want you to be a rock I can cuddle with
Warm from the sun and hard like the earth

You are in my heart and mind
You are my very own
My love
You are my very own
I just wish you were a little more real
A little more clear
I wish I could count the days
until I win you over

tell me about sailboats and im yours

last night I slept on a the waters edge
and rocked to the movement of your sighs
last night I slept on your buried ledge
and pretend not to notice the lies

I wanted to make you a truth
I wanted to keep you alive

Have I forgotten to tell
You all the weakness’ you are to love me for
Have I told you
That in my dreams you appear even
Taller

Wide awake
I imagine you grow an inch
each time I think of you
I imagine you are
Feeding on my adoration
I want to see you gorging on my affection
I want to see you sitting there
Eating all my love


In my dreams you wear a large hat
Full of brilliant ideas
You share them with me
You touch me like we both exist
we talk of sailboats
And travel to far off places
you smile like it means the world
you kiss like its goodbye
In my dreams you like me back

I*de*al*ism

1.In philosophy, belief that out knowledge is a knowledge of ideas and that it is impossible to know whether there really is a world of objects on which our ideas are based.

2.Acting according to one's ideals of what ought to be regardless of circumstances or of the approval or disapproval of others.

tacit

understood without being openly expressed; implied:

"ineffable"

means that it cannot or should not be expressed in spoken words

knock off love

I want to keep it at shy courtship
I want to let it stay unspoken
The part where you find enough courage
to walk over to me
is the part were I start to fade away
Sometimes if your voice isn’t too loud
And the music just loud enough
I can drowned out our small talk
Thinking of your cute mouth opening and closing
Saying things
your beard growing in.
how rough it would feel against my cheek
Your pretty eyes shinning
Looking right into my shinning eyes
Your fingers tightly holding your beer
Fingers that could just as easily be holding my hand
Little beads of sweat on your forehead
Thinking about what you would look
like above me in bed
Who you would look like under the covers

Your attempt at leaning in closer
Only has me thinking louder
I think about all the things that could keep
my interest in you for tonight
The smell of your deodorant
The feel of your t-shirt against my arm.
Your hand is resting against the wall behind me.
How that hand could
move down and rest against my back.
How my body could
leanintoyour arms
Or how I could drown out your attempts at conversation
with the sound of your heartbeat.

Couldn’t we just skip these introductions?
Skip ahead to where we fall in love
Madly and passionately make love
Just not bother with these insignificant details
Of where you grew up
And what your childhood was like
Or your favorite bars downtown


All this time we could have been kissing
And giving in to the myth

We could have been dancing
we could have been pretending
not to notice
That our Lust was masquerading as love

Because tonight
Tonight I just want to feel it
Tonight I want something that just looks like it could be real
Give me a good imitation
Give me that knock off love

fearlove

A fear runs though me that I might be just that …AFRAID.

Of what?
of hurt of love of hurt and loneliness, of betrayal, of losing face.

But I m currently lonely, hurt and feel betrayed. I am living out that fear.
And yet I am afraid of changing anything…

So I must like wallowing in it.
I must find it somehow comforting because the unknown is just that…unknown.
And this misery I know well..im secure in it.
Its here for me
Or so I thought

So once you’ve figured it out.
What to do about it

I am afraid of trying to succeed in case I fail and I am afraid of being stagnant although I am currently lying around being afraid of it.

What a calamity ive become

the potential

The expectation of great accomplishments must have been brought on my a belief that those accomplishments would either be a sign of a happy and fulfilled life or a sacrifice for the betterment of mankind...
this is assuming that sacrifice would be pleasing to the creator of mankind.

If it is the former and that happiness is the state that we should strive for then the act of sharing our accomplishments would be purely for entertainments sake, and not as a measuring tool for our own endeavors.

If this is the case then why do i feel like i have to create and then share my work to feel some validation in my life.Like I'm saying " look at me. I create ART! I don't just work a full time job a monkey could do and go home every night to go online or watch a movie or drink with my friends.
In addition to all that I also make ART!.
See now I am validated.
My style of dress, my mannerism and sheer lack of concern for consumerist betterment makes sense now."

I dont want to be a part of it.
Nor do I want to destroy it.
I am a product of my generation.

I am apathy.


......Or so i would like to believe.
I am a little less ROCK and ROLL then all that.

There lingers...and on occasion emerges a little curiosity about what existence is and whether or not I have a role to play in it.
But in all honesty it is more then a little curiosity it probably actually is something that consumes me daily and that I find a break from with distractions like friend,drinks,food,sex,movies,internet.

And Although I know that this is the definition of life for most of us.
And that maybe this is really it itself.
I wish I wasn't so self conscious of it or
could somehow escape the structure itself.

hurt me now

Lessen the blow and hurt me now.
Untie my breast and cut my core.
I won’t wait any longer in this loveliness

I won’t stand on your rock anymore
I wont wonder when I’ll slip
I will not hold hands and kiss in doorways
Double date and smile
Laugh too loud
Or drive too fast.
I want it now.
I wont be made to wait any longer
Bring in the chaos of togetherness
Or the separation of forever

Because its all of me I can’t stand and all of you that is good.
You are standing by my side and letting me shiver in self pity.
Letting me cry like a depressive.
and you only ask that I listen to your jokes.
You only want me to give smiling another chance.
And you make it so much harder to be unhappy you make it seam so far away.
And I won’t be deluded by your wicked love
It me.. I need to
So please don’t string me along till you grow tired of this game.
Don’t let us make anymore memories
Or take anymore photographs together

Please forget me now
And leave with me the scar of you absence

knowing you knowing me

When do you know?
Is is when you fist catch a glimpse into your future together without a shudder
Is it when you give up the guilt you feel of being picked up on a white horse….or black benz….
When do you know that his scent is the only one you’ll let get you wild.
And that his face is the one you’ll wake up to everyday.
That he is the man you’ve chosen.
The one man you want to care for when he is old and frail.
If it’s a look in the eyes then consider me lost for I have lost my identity in more then one mans gaze and I shouldn’t like to consider that the test.
I am without a plan…
Full of unresolved action
just sitting in my path waiting.
I wait for it all to make sense
Like if I wait then the truth
That ultimate truth will somehow slap me in the face…
And say here you go young lady.
Here is the man for you
It won’t be a bed of roses every night but you will be loved by him as much as you will love him

I want that passion…
That hurt when they are far,
That bliss when you see them near

I want it all…
Add in some humour
And a few bands we like
And consider that a match made in heaven…
Just give me some gut science to prove it all…
I want to feel it.

I want a full moon on a warm night and a look that says no more then hello.
I want the intimacy in silence..
The quite knowing
of kindness and tranquility
that fury of out of control sex and warm tea in bed
all wrapped up in a firm hand shake.

I want to hold it in the palm of my hand
and know that I’m safe to loosen my grip

I want us like water

bad boy love

You are wrong for me
I am afraid of men like you
You flatter me
You ignore me
You look at me with awe and passion
You look at me like I make no sense
You tell me about other girls

You tell me you don’t read
You tell me you’re dishonest
I laugh
I love to learn
I am nothing if not honest
but
You’re smile is coy
And you look cute with your hair in your face
You make me laugh

You are too much but not enough
You are wrong for me
So I think about you
Way too much

we like the same bands

When I say hello…
There may be more I want to say but haven’t decided what.
There might be more to my asking how you are
Wonder if my desperation for the sound of your voice escapes mid sentence
If every time I think of you..you somehow feel it
and know that I happens every hour on the hour.
That I can’t listen to that band anymore
Not because I don’t like it or that I never listened to it anyways but
Because I don’t need anymore reasons to think about you

sometimes girls obsess

If now is when and this is it
And tomorrow is forever
Then today feels like eternity
Because you are not here
here where I sit and think of your
laugh
and warm embrace


You were in my bed this morning
And now you are not
And now im writing sad poetry wishing you were here
Here to hold my hand so I couldn’t write
Couldn’t write all this silliness
About missing you and wanting you
Because id be too busy
Too busy looking at your smile

And you would kiss me
Kiss me and make me
Make me
Make me forget
Forget that you forgot
forgot
To call.
You forgot to call